You've literally been dreaming about this your entire life. You've literally created wedding plans for EVERY relationship you've been in. And after, let's say, 10 years of trying to find your husband, you decide this is it.
I'm trying not to pass judgement. I'm trying to be happy and optimistic about this. But it hurts me. It hurts me that you, a woman who held love and marriage with such reverence, is making a lifetime decision so haphazardly. I shouldn't be hurt. I shouldn't be thinking things like:
What happens if he turns out to be abusive?
What happens if one of you wants a divorce?
What if his finances fall through? Because I know you aren't saving any money.
What happens if you have a child?
What happens if he leaves you pregnant?
What happens if he leaves you with even more debt?
How are you going to pay for your life together?
Where are you going to live?
Will your life be part of the military's now?
How will this affect your relationships with your friends? Your family? Your band?
What happens if you get upset and don't feel safe around him anymore?
Because I know you. I know how you react in relationships. I know how you process your emotions and express yourself and react to certain phrases or expressions, and I know that often times, your actions aren't conducive to a happy partner. Literally, the last guy you lived with was lead to be physical with you to express himself. Granted, he needed better control issues at the moment, but you weren't very helpful. You tend to poke sleeping bears A LOT.
You've been called crazy, erratic, lazy, defiant, immature, unemployable, rebellious, hard to work with, an unnecessary diva and just a plain old bitch.
But you deserve happiness. And I want you to experience it. Everyone deserves happiness...
...I don't think you've earned it. And I feel horrible for saying that. Maybe I'm jealous of the situation. Maybe not. But honestly, I don't think you know the meaning of working hard and achieving a goal. You haven't taken action to complete your degree. You haven't been able to hold a job for more than a year. I know you open credit card accounts just to pay other credit cards off (a vicious downward spiral of debt that you're bringing an innocent man into). Your contribution to our commitment together as Jaded has been menial at best. And you don't know how to be patient or flexible. I don't think those attributes will result in a successful relationship, let alone marriage.
I think why this bothers me so deeply is that I used to trust you. You and I came together to embark on something new and exciting. I left my home and my career to pursue it with you. It has been a rocky road to get things off the ground. And you have been there to support me through it all. But, I honestly can't trust your judgement anymore. The way you talked about marriage and love and how badly you wanted to find someone you could trust like that. I can't really understand how you can be so trusting to someone you've known for so little time. And it's not the first time you've trusted someone so easily.
Someone who trusts others so quickly...honestly can't be trusted. I can't be assured that you will be able to follow through on tasks and goals because well, who knows what the fuck's going on in your life. But, this is not my life. This is not my relationship. This is not my marriage. You two can define your own love the way you want. And I need to make sure I'm not in your way.
So, here's hoping you prove me wrong. Here's hoping you don't get fickle and leave this guy because he said the wrong thing at the wrong time. Here's hoping he knows EXACTLY how much emotional/financial debt he is marrying into. Here's hoping you've outlined exactly how many other men/women you'll be sleeping with besides your husband. Best of luck on your wedding day.
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