I fear...

They say it's important to name your fears. Give them a face and a name. Treat them like a simple problem placed in front of you. That way you can tackle each one, move forward towards a solution, find a path towards a goal of being unfearful.

I'm going to list and name all the fears I've been feeling since 4am this morning. All the things that have made me burst into uncontrollable tears. Name them ALL.

1. I fear for people of color. Under Obama's democracy, police felt comfortable not considering the lives of blacks, not fulfilling justice. I fear that under this new 'democracy' forces of power will feel even more comfortable doing much worse and redefining justice in their own way. Pulling over anyone and asking them their religious affiliation. Pulling a gun on any suspicious character, regardless of their actual actions. 
2. I fear that citizens who own guns will feel righteous doing the same. 
3. I fear that those who are in power of the judicial system will feel comfortable allowing forces of power and ordinary citizens with arms to continue acting for the 'safety of the nation.' Please, people of color and non-christian religions, do not drive alone. Don't go over the speed limit. Keep all your documents up to date. Stay in the slow lane. Do not tempt them with trying to circumvent their system or move to far forward. They have the power and the leader to support their racist, hateful ways and will twist every situation to show you as the terror. 
4. I fear for the media of America. Since technology has made it easy to spread content the media has pushed for a 'fair and balanced' viewpoint. It was a lie that they were trying to force feed down the throats of the majority of America. As a liberal, I took each spoonful with a smile. Knowing that they represented a society that didn't hurt, but helped people. But the people want to hurt. The bullies want to sit at the table of the rest of us and take what they want because they feel right doing it. And the media feels like they've been cheated, but they haven't. They've been cheating us by not showing us the faces of those who were not heard. They cheated us by not naming those fears. And now they have control over, well, pretty much whatever they want. 
5. I fear for women. Women who are raped and sexually assaulted and who were afraid to step forward before. We've silenced them all now. We have told them that it's their fault they let it happen and that they deserve to live with those consequences. I fear for women who need to take care of their health, their career, their personal lives, but will be punished beyond measure for it. I fear for women in the workplace, who will have to endure their coworkers knowing that their commander in chief can grab what he wants, and pay you less for it. 
6. I fear for the doctors who want to bring equal care to all. I fear they will be forced to report all their procedures and be told not to provide them or face horrible punishment.
7. I fear that men will never know what is or how to take responsibility. And that it will be passed onto through several generations.
8. I fear the community who makes up the most of this country and will feel righteous speaking up for their hate.
9. I fear for children who have been taught to speak up and to defend themselves against hate. Because once they do, it's possible that they never may again for fear of pain and suffering.
10. I fear for those allies and members of the LGBTQ community. That they will be driven out in an unwanted forum and shamed for something that is completely shameless. 
11. I fear for the indigenous people of this country who will likely die trying to protect the water, air and land from a business that will bring jobs and money, but not clear water or air, to its citizens.
12. I fear for this planet, that is slowly dying beneath our feet. That not has very little hope of ever being saved. More cars, more emissions, more drilling. Less future for us all.
13. I fear for the immigrants who have fled from fear only to find that there is no safe place for them, their families, or their future.
14. I fear for the government's control over its people. I fear that we will all be subject to random checks and we will be forced to comply or die. 
15. I fear for every business that depends on government support and that it will crumble and more people will end up uneducated, complacent, ignorant and find peace and justice in hate.
16. I fear for those who haven been rightfully elected, that they may be overturned by hate.
17. I fear that everything our new president says, cannot be accounted for. And that only his actions will be his proof. And that those actions, will be disasterous. 
18. I fear for people with disabilities. That they will face harder circumstances finding the care and support they need.
19. I fear that each day I will become sick in my head having to recognize and face these fears. That I will be afraid to leave my house. Afraid to see what is happening outside. Afraid to ever bring a child into this world. Afraid that if I take action and leave, that I may never see my family again.
20. I fear that leaving this country will be harder when he's here. I fear that we can not get out soon enough. 
21. I fear my own voice. I fear posting my thoughts online. That I will be found and hurt because I don't support their way of thinking. I fear my own voice.
22. I fear that the conservative right side of our country, the MAJORITY, has faced these fears too. And I want to tell them that they had nothing to worry about. That their religion, their love, their education, their business, their sisters and mothers and aunts and grandmothers and daughters were safer than they've ever been. But, they might not be now. Someone please show me that I have nothing to worry about. Because there are literally KKK rallies happening across town at this moment.
23. I fear for the generation of my parents. Because I love them so much, and they so willingly voted for him. Thinking that business is all he'll change in this country. They are wrong. 

For all the things I fear, I only have one hope.

I hope that I am wrong

You're doing what?

You've literally been dreaming about this your entire life. You've literally created wedding plans for EVERY relationship you've been in. And after, let's say, 10 years of trying to find your husband, you decide this is it.



I'm trying not to pass judgement. I'm trying to be happy and optimistic about this. But it hurts me. It hurts me that you, a woman who held love and marriage with such reverence, is making a lifetime decision so haphazardly. I shouldn't be hurt. I shouldn't be thinking things like:

What happens if he turns out to be abusive?
What happens if one of you wants a divorce?
What if his finances fall through? Because I know you aren't saving any money.
What happens if you have a child?
What happens if he leaves you pregnant?
What happens if he leaves you with even more debt?
How are you going to pay for your life together?
Where are you going to live?
Will your life be part of the military's now?
How will this affect your relationships with your friends? Your family? Your band?
What happens if you get upset and don't feel safe around him anymore?



Because I know you. I know how you react in relationships. I know how you process your emotions and express yourself and react to certain phrases or expressions, and I know that often times, your actions aren't conducive to a happy partner.  Literally, the last guy you lived with was lead to be physical with you to express himself. Granted, he needed better control issues at the moment, but you weren't very helpful. You tend to poke sleeping bears A LOT.


You've been called crazy, erratic, lazy, defiant, immature, unemployable, rebellious, hard to work with, an unnecessary diva and just a plain old bitch.


But you deserve happiness. And I want you to experience it. Everyone deserves happiness...

...I don't think you've earned it. And I feel horrible for saying that. Maybe I'm jealous of the situation. Maybe not. But honestly, I don't think you know the meaning of working hard and achieving a goal. You haven't taken action to complete your degree. You haven't been able to hold a job for more than a year. I know you open credit card accounts just to pay other credit cards off (a vicious downward spiral of debt that you're bringing an innocent man into). Your contribution to our commitment together as Jaded has been menial at best. And you don't know how to be patient or flexible. I don't think those attributes will result in a successful relationship, let alone marriage.


I think why this bothers me so deeply is that I used to trust you. You and I came together to embark on something new and exciting. I left my home and my career to pursue it with you. It has been a rocky road to get things off the ground. And you have been there to support me through it all. But, I honestly can't trust your judgement anymore. The way you talked about marriage and love and how badly you wanted to find someone you could trust like that. I can't really understand how you can be so trusting to someone you've known for so little time. And it's not the first time you've trusted someone so easily.

Someone who trusts others so quickly...honestly can't be trusted.  I can't be assured that you will be able to follow through on tasks and goals because well, who knows what the fuck's going on in your life. But, this is not my life. This is not my relationship. This is not my marriage. You two can define your own love the way you want. And I need to make sure I'm not in your way.


So, here's hoping you prove me wrong.  Here's hoping you don't get fickle and leave this guy because he said the wrong thing at the wrong time. Here's hoping he knows EXACTLY how much emotional/financial debt he is marrying into. Here's hoping you've outlined exactly how many other men/women you'll be sleeping with besides your husband. Best of luck on your wedding day.

We are not the same

I often forget that my life is different than yours.

I often forget that even though we share so many things, that my life is very different than yours.

I often forget how strict my parents were with me; how many things I missed out on or were withheld from me because I was grounded for acting up, or not doing well in school.

I often forget how stressed I was in school trying to impress and honor my parents; how many nights I was forced to stay up and study.

I often forget how I was physically treated when I didn't do well, or behaved appropriately. Tough love they called it. Even though it drove a wedge in the family. Even though it caused years of physical and mental stress on too many people. It could have easily been dealt with a different way.

But I can't change the past and when I look at what I have now, I am so vividly reminded that the pain and stress, although easily avoidable, was not so horrible I couldn't overcome it.




I am reminded that because of my upbringing, that I will never give up. I will never quit a task. I will force myself to find a solution at any cost.

I am reminded that because of my upbringing that I will never stop working to achieve a goal. I will never put things aside and forget about them. I will never sleep in or not take my work home with me.

I am reminded that because of my upbringing that I will always aim to do more in less time, achieve more tasks at the same time.

I am reminded that because of my upbringing, romantic love is not the greatest goal in life and focusing on solely that leaves you with little to hold.

And every reminder put me on a journey.



The journey I took to develop a safe and secure career as an educator, and then risking it all for a TV show that lasted a few weeks.

The journey I took to develop a career as a director and producer, and then being poorly paid or laid off and living on unemployment for months.

The journey I took to develop a relationship with another, and then with myself, and then holding a gun in my hand trying to remember how to load it.

All those journey's lead me to a destination.




That destination takes more time than I gave it credit for. And sometimes, I may gloss over all the details from point A to point B. I may elude the fact that it is really hard to get those things done. I may not express exactly how hard it was, and how hard it is to get through. Maybe it's because I don't want to show weakness, maybe it's because I want so badly to do well, maybe it's because I am still afraid of letting my parents down.


Or maybe it's because I'm different than you. I was raised differently. I express differently. I look at goals and tasks differently. I work differently. I hold love differently.



So when you find yourself at an undesirable destination, I don't know if my advice will ever help you. Because I am different.

But if I can give you any advice, maybe take a look at the journey that brought your there. Maybe take a look at the reminders you often forget. Even though we are not the same, our destination is likely similar: happiness.



You can't go back and change your upbringing.  You can't go back and change the way you acted or worked.


But you can learn. You can make changes now. You can put actions in place to make it so you never find yourself in that place again.


Hope is not lost. Hope is just waiting for you to change.

1.5 years later, 1 month in

It's weird to be back in here.

This place has been abandoned since 2014. Because things felt really bad. Because things felt lost and abandoned and potential turned to cobwebs and disappointment and neglect. Overall, not good.

In my absence I struggled with purpose, sleep, work ethic, and overall health. My support system crumbled because I failed to hold it up. I failed to be the woman I've always been for myself. Because so much of myself was worn thin, and then torn to shreds.

For a brief window, I refused to see the light at the end of whatever tunnel I put myself in. I refused to be better to myself. Because I felt as though I had experienced enough. I felt I had enough happiness in my life. I felt I had enough sadness.  I felt I had had enough.

Thankfully pieces of me found their way back together. 

It took a lot of time. Longer than I expected. And in those slow creeping moments, I had to explain to myself that if I had had enough, then I would just have to be fine with that and figure out how to live with all the enough I had experienced. Be fine with the happiness and sadness I had had enough of. Be fine with the loneliness and emptiness I had had enough of. Accept and find peace and be fine within the enough.

I think it was when I accepted it all, that I didn't care what happened next. I didn't care if I ever met another soul. I didn't care if I ever made another connection. I didn't care if I ever accomplished another goal. I didn't care. And in that carelessness, I was free of my pain. Free of the abandonment and disappointment.

It's funny how acceptance of enough life leads to more life.

It was not an easy thing to achieve, but today I am extremely hopeful. Happier and more hopeful than I think I've EVER been. Yes, part of it has to do with a new relationship in my life. And the younger version of myself who strove to be so independent and self-fulfilling is looking back at me in the mirror with a shady smirk on her face. Rolling her eyes and saying that I'm 'soooo predictable.'  

Silly lady, you had no idea what was in store for your future. Your dreams were merely dreams. Disjointed thoughts and desires. Pieces of words scattered over time. There was no way you could have ever known. You had no idea what career you'd have. Where you'd live. How all those disjointed things would come together and reveal themselves so effortlessly. Give me whatever shady smirk you want. I've earned it. And I've grown from you. You are me and we are we.

I'm not much for astrology. 

But as a solid Libra, the phrase "I am me when we are we" fits my soul so well. Like an ever spiraling fractal, the balance of my desires within myself show themselves in others. And the balance within the balance begins to make me whole.

I see it within my family. How close we've all become with my sister getting married, saying goodbye to my grandmother and soon, hopefully TODAY, welcoming Leah's first child. I see it in my friendships. The weekly dinners, monthly gigs and adventure outings. I see it in my career. Creating and educating and building relationships with my coworkers and company. And I see it with Kapil. Smiling and holding and breathing in all that has happened in the last month.

I have never felt more at home in my soul as I do now. And as I stand and lie next to him, I'm thrown like a rag doll into a wormhole. Stealing glimpses of a fulfilling future that will come together so effortlessly. Because we are we. And we are so effortlessly enough.

A month has felt like years with you love. When years pass I know we'll look back and think: 

DIDN'T WE JUST MEET?