It's weird to be back in here.
This place has been abandoned since 2014. Because things felt really bad. Because things felt lost and abandoned and potential turned to cobwebs and disappointment and neglect. Overall, not good.
In my absence I struggled with purpose, sleep, work ethic, and overall health. My support system crumbled because I failed to hold it up. I failed to be the woman I've always been for myself. Because so much of myself was worn thin, and then torn to shreds.
For a brief window, I refused to see the light at the end of whatever tunnel I put myself in. I refused to be better to myself. Because I felt as though I had experienced enough. I felt I had enough happiness in my life. I felt I had enough sadness. I felt I had had enough.
Thankfully pieces of me found their way back together.
It took a lot of time. Longer than I expected. And in those slow creeping moments, I had to explain to myself that if I had had enough, then I would just have to be fine with that and figure out how to live with all the enough I had experienced. Be fine with the happiness and sadness I had had enough of. Be fine with the loneliness and emptiness I had had enough of. Accept and find peace and be fine within the enough.
I think it was when I accepted it all, that I didn't care what happened next. I didn't care if I ever met another soul. I didn't care if I ever made another connection. I didn't care if I ever accomplished another goal. I didn't care. And in that carelessness, I was free of my pain. Free of the abandonment and disappointment.
It's funny how acceptance of enough life leads to more life.
It was not an easy thing to achieve, but today I am extremely hopeful. Happier and more hopeful than I think I've EVER been. Yes, part of it has to do with a new relationship in my life. And the younger version of myself who strove to be so independent and self-fulfilling is looking back at me in the mirror with a shady smirk on her face. Rolling her eyes and saying that I'm 'soooo predictable.'
Silly lady, you had no idea what was in store for your future. Your dreams were merely dreams. Disjointed thoughts and desires. Pieces of words scattered over time. There was no way you could have ever known. You had no idea what career you'd have. Where you'd live. How all those disjointed things would come together and reveal themselves so effortlessly. Give me whatever shady smirk you want. I've earned it. And I've grown from you. You are me and we are we.
I'm not much for astrology.
I see it within my family. How close we've all become with my sister getting married, saying goodbye to my grandmother and soon, hopefully TODAY, welcoming Leah's first child. I see it in my friendships. The weekly dinners, monthly gigs and adventure outings. I see it in my career. Creating and educating and building relationships with my coworkers and company. And I see it with Kapil. Smiling and holding and breathing in all that has happened in the last month.
I have never felt more at home in my soul as I do now. And as I stand and lie next to him, I'm thrown like a rag doll into a wormhole. Stealing glimpses of a fulfilling future that will come together so effortlessly. Because we are we. And we are so effortlessly enough.
A month has felt like years with you love. When years pass I know we'll look back and think:
DIDN'T WE JUST MEET?
